


Dreams and Realities

by Bubulona



Category: Dark (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Gen, Mentioned Character Death, Season 1 Spoilers, Season 2 spoilers, Series Spoilers, Spoilers, Time Travel, headcanons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:47:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21635350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubulona/pseuds/Bubulona
Summary: Being lost in time was a weird and confusing thing.He never knew what was real and what was a dream.He never knew when he belonged.
Relationships: Hannah Kahnwald/Michael Kahnwald | Mikkel Nielsen, Jonas Kahnwald & Michael Kahnwald | Mikkel Nielsen, Michael Kahnwald | Mikkel Nielsen & Ines Kahnwald, Michael Kahnwald | Mikkel Nielsen & Katharina Nielsen, Michael Kahnwald | Mikkel Nielsen & Ulrich Nielsen
Comments: 14
Kudos: 121
Collections: Kahnwald Collection





	Dreams and Realities

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Dark. This wonderful and complicated series belongs to Baran bo Odar and Jantje Friese and Netflix. If I owned Dark I wouldn't be writing fanfiction :)  
> Spoilers for S1E1 til S2E6.  
> Read at your own risk.

It was a weird and confusing thing not knowing _when_ you belonged, of being lost in time.

With this uncertainty came the frustrating feeling of doubt, of constantly wondering what was real and what was a dream… or rather, a nightmare.

Was he a boy that dreamt he had been a butterfly or was he a butterfly that had dreamt he had been a boy? Was he either, was he neither?

Mikkel really didn't know. He had told Nurse Kahnwald ( _Ines, it’s Ines._ She told him he could call her by her first name…) that maybe he was both… but at time he wondered if he had been trying to convince himself. A voice inside his head told him ―heck, _screamed_ at him― that he was indeed from 2019 and that he was just dreaming that he was in 1986.

He tried ignoring it.

He tried forgetting about it.

He thought that maybe, by choosing this reality, he might find some inner peace.

It didn’t work.

Nothing worked.

Nothing made his mind quiet…

///

Mikkel wondered why he was sent to 1986.

Most people, when thinking about time travel, thought about going to the past. Why did no one ever say the future? Sure, had it been up to Mikkel, he might have chosen to go back in time and meet Harry Houdini, one of the world’s greatest magicians ever. But given his current situation, Mikkel wouldn’t even think twice about saying that he would rather travel to the future.

Perhaps, if Mikkel had time traveled to the future, the future beyond 2019, he might have been less frightened about the idea; after all, didn’t things get better with time? Weren’t things always better in the future?

Had he shown up in the future it would have been like a new magic trick and Mikkel would have been the first one to achieve it. The Great Mikkel Houdini, age 11, best magician of his time, performing the biggest magic trick of the century, if not of all time. It would have been his best trick ―had it actually _been_ his trick. All credit would go to Jonas. 

Although it would have been weird to see his family old, and hopefully not dead, Mikkel liked to believe that they would have recognized him and believed him to be _their_ Mikkel. Or at least he hoped they would believe him. Would they cry because of their shock, or would they scold him on disappearing from their lives? Would this happen before or after he told them about the trick? How would he explain to them that it wasn’t him who performed this unbelievable trick but that it was Jonas Kahnwald who did so? Would they had already known that it was because of Jonas that he had travelled through time? Would it be hard for them to think that he was still eleven? Would Magnus and Martha have had any children? Would his grandparents still be around? Would his parents look like themselves? How far into the future would he have gone?

But no, for all his wishful thinking and his fantasies, he was sent back in time to 1986, to a time before he existed, before he came to be, before his family became his family, before…

This was a time that made no sense.

This was a time where and when he came into constant contact with his parents as teenagers. What if by interacting with them he created a big change in his time? What if he ceased to exist? What about Magnus and Martha? Would they stop existing? Would they even feel it? What would happen to his family?

As much as he hated how Magnus would constantly hit him in the back of the head for things like stupidly and falsely accusing Mikkel of stealing Magnus’s ugly hoodie, and as much as he hated that Martha sometimes made everything about her or stated that she thought Mikkel was adopted, and as much as he hated how his entire family saw him as a baby, and as much as he had sometimes wanted a different family, he would never want them gone. He loved his family. Mikkel didn’t want to be the cause of creating the destruction of his family. He did not want to be the cause for such disaster, of such change, of such rift in time.

But what could he do? Wouldn’t his existence in 1986 change the course events leading to 2019? And what if he had already created a change without meaning to? What if he had already caused the disappearance or destruction of a life? Would him interacting with his parents, or if anyone for that matter, do that?

But what if it didn’t? How could he know?

What should he do?

His expertise was in magic tricks and shell tricks, not time travel and having existential doubts…

///

When he had thought of wanting a different family ―which was not often― he thought that having someone like Jonas be in it wouldn’t be bad; in fact, he thought it would be pretty cool. Out of all his siblings’ friends, he seemed like the nicest one; maybe because Jonas was the type of person who, at his core, wants nothing but the best for others.

In Mikkel’s eyes, Jonas was such a likeable person that he wouldn’t have been bothered if Jonas became part of the Nielsen family. This was partly because Jonas always _felt_ like family (everyone in the Nielsen home loved him) and partly because when Jonas was around, Mikkel finally felt like he was not treated like a small child. To Mikkel, the fact that Jonas treated him as a member of their little group always light up his heart ―not that Mikkel would admit that.

Mikkel just _felt_ a bond with Jonas that he did not feel with anyone else.

He just didn’t know why.

///

He really did like Jonas.

How could someone not like Jonas? He was the nicest and most likeable teenager Mikkel knew and in Mikkel’s mind all teenagers were not only weird but a bit mean as well.

But Jonas was different.

It didn’t matter that Jonas was more on the quiet side; his quietness made him an observer and a listener.

Jonas was someone Mikkel could look up to, someone he respected and admired.

Out of everyone he knew Jonas was the one who always returned his “ultimate fist bumps”. The only time Jonas didn’t return an “ultimate fist bump” was on the day of Mikkel’s parents’ wedding anniversary party, which, if he was honest, Mikkel understood why Jonas would not return it. Nobody wanted to touch the kid with rubella.

But at the time, Jonas had _seemed_ off. Maybe it was because he was being teased by the Nielsens about Martha… No, that couldn’t have been it. He didn’t seem happy, and Mikkel was pretty sure, based on how Jonas and Martha acted around each other, that they liked each other. Maybe something had happened at the Kahnwald home… which made sense because if Mikkel remembered correctly the next day was the day Jonas’s dad…

Mikkel shuddered and grimaced.

It had been the only topic of conversation in Winden for a while. The novelty of the situation was enough for people to spend days speaking about it.

Mikkel wasn’t supposed to know about it, but how could he not? Winden was not very big and although his parents tried to not discuss the man’s suicide, because it was not something young children should be exposed to (just because he was the youngest of three did not mean that he was still a kid), Mikkel was bound to hear about it sooner or later. Whenever it was mentioned, something in Mikkel’s insides felt twisted and heavy and he felt a deep pain in his chest. He figured it was him trying to put himself in Jonas’s shoes, but even then, he felt _something_ ― he just couldn’t place what it was.

Sure, his only encounter with the man made him feel very frightened and uneasy, even if no words were spoken. The way he looked at Mikkel, the way the air around them was suffocating, the distressing feeling Mikkel sensed in his bones… all those things combined made Mikkel feel like he was seeing someone that shouldn’t be there. It was like being in contact with a ghost, like he was living and trying to solve a mystery, like he was seeing ―

Mikkel didn’t think about him and he didn’t want to think about the encounter.

Mikkel didn’t even know the man’s name. Everyone had been talking about how he had abandoned his family, of how much of a weirdo he had been, how he was always by himself, how no one understood why Jonas’s mother would marry a guy like him when she was so pretty. There was rarely a good comment or a genuine concern for the Kahnwald family.

Mikkel refused to believe the man had been a bad person; he had had to be a good man to have a son like Jonas, no? But had the man even thought about Jonas and his mother before taking his own life?

Mikkel shivered; he didn’t know what he would do if something like that happened to his father. He didn’t even want to dwell on how his family would react. His grandmother still wasn’t reacting well to her youngest son’s, Mads, disappearance.

At least Mikkel would have his entire family.

But Jonas only had his mother… right?

Jonas… he knew what it felt like to lose someone important. He must have known that for Mikkel to lose his entire family would devast him.

So why?

Why would Jonas do this to him?

It didn’t make sense. Jonas never ignored him, and he always seemed interested in what Mikkel had to say or what magic trick he could perform. It never felt like Jonas was just doing that to humor Mikkel because he was a kid. He even seemed more interested than his father, Ulrich, ever did. He knew his father was sometimes interested because Mikkel could feel his father’s intense gaze, but Mikkel was never sure if it was because he was a father and thus had to humor him or if his father had been genuinely interested in magic.

But Jonas had seemed genuine in his interest whenever Mikkel performed a trick (even if he hadn’t mastered all of them). He said Mikkel’s tricks were better than his father’s. Mikkel had been surprised to find out that Jonas’s dad could perform tricks; Mikkel didn’t know anyone who shared his affinity for magic tricks. Jonas had mentioned something about his father being a better painter than a magician, but that regardless of his skill level, his tricks always made Jonas smile.

Mikkel thought it would have been cool to have a father that was both an artist and a magician. Weren’t magicians just a different type of artist? Mikkel figured that an artist with a magician streak would not have minded if Mikkel wore a magician hat and a skeleton onesie to school; an artist would’ve understood that it wasn’t a costume but Mikkel’s work clothes. From artist to artist, Mikkel knew the man would not have judged him.

He really would have wanted to be part of Jonas’s family…

He didn’t think that anymore. He didn’t even talk about Jonas or his family.

It was always Martha who spoke about him. It didn't take a genius to see how hard she was crushing on Jonas. But after _that_ happened to Jonas, Martha didn’t mention him much. And although his sister was off, she seemed to bounce back once she started dating Bartosz.

Mikkel didn’t care for him.

Mikkel never paid Bartosz any attention just as Bartosz never paid him any attention. Bartosz just saw Mikkel as his girlfriend’s little baby brother, a kid who could be annoying. He might have performed a trick or two, but Martha wouldn’t let him and Bartosz didn’t seem interested. It didn’t matter, Mikkel had better things to worry about than trying to get his sister’s boyfriend’s approval. Mikkel needed to worry about perfecting his tricks, finally convincing his mother that he needed his work clothes, school, proving that he knew what he was doing, that he was growing up, and much more.

That’s why, on the day of the parent school meeting, when Magnus and Martha wanted to bust some drugs around the Winden caves, Mikkel wanted to prove that he was old enough to be considered one of them.

When Heide, the babysitter, hadn’t arrived, Mikkel had thought that this was his opportunity to prove to his family that he could take care of himself. But a little voice in his head told him that he really wasn’t fine being by himself.

What if what his classmates were saying was true? What if the missing kid had been kidnapped and was being tortured? What would Mikkel do if that happened to him while he was all alone?

That’s why when Magnus told him that he was stuck babysitting him Mikkel was thankful. But when Magnus complained about missing the drug bust and had smacked him in the back of his head, Mikkel decided that he would prove that he was cool and completely capable of being able to fend for himself. So he told Magnus that he could go to the drug bust, so long as Mikkel came along. And before Magnus could refute, Mikkel told him that if he didn’t take him, he would tell his mom and dad.

Magnus rolled his eyes but gave in.

Mikkel felt accomplished.

Magnus and Mikkel met with Martha, Jonas, and Bartosz. Mikkel was happy to see Jonas. Finally, someone who treated him like Mikkel wanted to be treated. Mikkel smiled and said, “Hi Jonas. Ultimate fist bump?”

The teen smiled and returned the bump.

The others may have wanted to treat Jonas differently but Mikkel wasn’t going to; if he did, he would be doing to Jonas the same thing others did to him. Even if it was a simple gesture, Mikkel knew how annoying it was to be treated differently.

And so the night begun.

///

Something wasn’t right.

The Winden caves were known for being a place that everyone was advised to stay away from. It was the setting of many urban legends and children’s cautionary tales, and it was the place his uncle Mads had disappeared when he was Mikkel’s age, never to be found.

But there was something about the caves tonight. He couldn’t explain it. He wasn’t sure if it was the creepy noises coming from the caves’ mouth, or if it was the way the lights were flickering, but something _called_ him. The caves, the energy, the forest, the feeling in his bones, they were all telling – _warning_ – Mikkel about what was to come.

He couldn’t help but be hypnotized by it. He couldn’t pull his eyes away from the caves’ entrance. He might have stayed staring at the caves all night had it not been by Jonas.

It was only when Jonas pulled Mikkel’s arm that that Mikkel snapped back and realized that they were the only ones left.

He blinked and felt the fear sinking in.

They needed to get away.

They ran.

He ran faster than he ever had. He ran like his life, future, and fate depended on it. He ran so fast that when he stopped to turn around and ask Jonas where they were, he realized that he had lost Jonas.

He was alone.

At night.

In the forest.

And there was something, or someone, loose that could kidnap him, torture him, or even kill him.

Or maybe all three.

_He was fine, he wasn’t going to get scared and start crying, he was going to be fine, if anything happened, he…_

What would he do?

Scream? Call for help? Fight?

There was only the woods and darkness.

And just when he was about to panic, his breath coming out in puffs, Mikkel heard a sound. He turned around and saw Jonas right behind him, as if he had never left him in the first place.

With him still out of breath, and before Mikkel could even think of what to say, Jonas told him to be quick and to come back into the caves with him. Jonas extended his hand and told Mikkel that there was something evil in the woods. Confused, but still scared, Mikkel did the only reasonable thing to do ― he placed his clammy right hand on Jonas’s calloused left hand and ran right behind him. 

Had his heart not been pounding, had the night not been that cold, had he not been frightened, he would have still taken Jonas’s hand. Out of everyone, Jonas had stayed with him, lost and found him, and still wanted to protect him. And because it was Jonas, Mikkel didn’t question going back to the caves, even if it made no sense; after all, hadn’t the noise and weirdness come from the caves? Wasn’t that proof that the caves weren’t good?

And yet, Mikkel did not doubt Jonas, because what was there to doubt?

They went into the caves, through the metal door with the weird design, through the long passage, and out the other way but never leaving the caves.

It all seemed surreal.

Why weren’t they leaving? How would they know when things were better? These were questions Mikkel wanted to ask but couldn’t. Instead, as if reading his mind, Jonas smiled reassuringly and told him they had to stay. Mikkel tried controlling his breathing and he tightened his grip on Jonas’s hand.

Would it be childish to admit that he was scared of what could happen to them?

“Everything will be better in the morning,” Jonas murmured. Mikkel smiled slightly and held on tight. He had nothing to fear; Jonas was with him. He firmly believed Jonas wouldn’t let anything happen to him.

That’s why it felt worse when he woke up and realized he was all alone in the caves.

Scared out of his mind, Mikkel called out, “Jonas?”

But there was nothing but the echo of his voice. 

“Hello?”

Had it been a prank?

Jonas left him.

Had Jonas abandoned Mikkel? Was it on purpose?

But something in Mikkel’s heart told him that something was wrong… something was _terribly wrong_.

He got out of the cave and ran, ran like a madman to his house.

And that’s the moment things started looking weird and distress and confusion started creeping in.

It was when he saw the old car, when his key wouldn’t go in, when he saw a teenager coming out of his house, when he heard the names Ulrich and Katharina attached to two teenagers instead of his parents, when he saw the newspaper, when saw his grandmother Jana looking young and crying, when saw people in odd fashion, when the school principal was someone else, when his father was not in his office, when he saw the case file for his uncle, and when he was confirmed of the date… Mikkel knew…

He knew he wasn’t in 2019 anymore.

///

Before Mikkel’s life change, during the night of November 4th, when the caves and the forest seemed otherworldly, Mikkel had thought, for a small moment in time, that maybe Jonas cared for him more than Magnus and Martha ever did.

He didn’t blame them; the night was dark, and things were scary enough to cloud all reactions, logic and thoughts. Besides, Magnus and Martha were on the other side from where Mikkel was standing. The only person next to him was Jonas. It was only logical for Jonas to have been the one to run with him by his side.

It was Jonas who had been the one to stay behind and get Mikkel, out of danger, while everyone else ran away from the cave. He did what his siblings were supposed to do; he protected him and looked after him. Which was why Mikkel’s heart felt pain and his mind confusion, for he could not wrap his brain around it…

Why Jonas would betray him like that?

Had Jonas never been a good person? Had he been pretending? Or had the evil thing in the words impersonated Jonas in order to trick Mikkel? But it couldn’t have been a fake Jonas; hadn’t Jonas exuded the same reliable energy as always? Hadn’t he told Mikkel that he would protect him and that he was going to take him somewhere safe?

He even held his hand!

Then why, why, why would Jonas abandon him in the caves, in the darkness? Had something happened to him while Mikkel was asleep in the caves? Had Jonas called for help and had Mikkel not heard him? Was Jonas going through the same thing that Erik, the missing teen, was probably going through? Had Jonas gone to get help and ended in another time? Had Jonas even been there?

A thousand and thirty-three questions kept popping through Mikkel’s mind.

Oh, how he missed the carefree days and the calmness his mind had had before all of this!

The doubts and questions would not let his mind rest. Questions like when he was going to wake up, when he was going back to his time, when his family would do something, when he would finally get close enough to the caves to find the passage, when he would find answers…

The questions just wouldn’t stop.

Was he even in the same world? What if he hadn’t gone to the past? What if he was stuck here for the rest of his life? What if he did manage to go back to his time but he was already an adult, and nobody believed him? What if he died here in 1986 and no one ever found him?

What was Mikkel supposed to do?

He was confused, sad, terrified, tired, and lonely.

He couldn’t sleep anymore.

///

Living with Ines made things a little easier.

At first, when he realized that her home was _the_ Kahnwald home, he couldn’t help but cry. He cried out whatever he had left in him. He had left the claustrophobic, bright, cleanliness of the hospital and he was finally at a home, but it was not his home. No, this home belonged to Jonas and his mother and his dead father.

That first night in his new home, despite Ines’s caring nature and comforting words, Mikkel cried himself to sleep. He cried until his face was covered in nothing but his snot and tears, until his chest hurt, until he was sure he couldn’t utter a single word, until there were no more tears. And he slept like there was no tomorrow. But even with all his sleep, he was not rested. All his physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion didn’t allow for any recovery.

Did him living in a home that was not his, that did not belong to his family, make Mikkel an imposter? Was he part of reality tv show? Was he part of some game he wasn’t aware of? What if everyone else was playing a trick on him? What if this was an illusion and he just hadn’t noticed? Was this some sort of magic trick that he had yet to understand? What was going on? Would he get answers, or would he stay in the dark?

///

With time, he stopped crying as often, but he still had a lot trouble sleeping.

To help him sleep Ines would try different things. Sometimes she would read to him _I Am Not Afraid_. Sometimes she caressed his hair and lulled him to sleep. Sometimes she made him hot cocoa; it was good, but he didn’t know if the hot cocoa never tasted the way it should because of his internal struggle or because it wasn’t _his_ mother that made it. Sometimes she made him Toast Hawaii in hopes of making him feel better. And although these were small things, they made Mikkel feel better.

They made him feel closer to the hope he was losing. They reminded him of the good things, even if it was only for a moment. But sadly, just as the moments were brief, the light and hope never lasted.

The darkness overpowered everything.

The darkness always came back.

///

It was tiring having to pretend to be someone he was not.

It was hard being Michael Kahnwald when he knew that he was ― _is_ ― Mikkel Nielsen.

Was Mikkel Nielsen the boy? Or was he the butterfly? Was he both? What he neither? What about Michael Kahnwald?

Something as simple as having to tell people his name gave him a great deal of anxiety.

It made him not want to leave the house or go to school, and it also made him not look forward to interacting with others. He could spend days without interacting with anyone but Ines ( _Mama Ines_ , he needed to remember; she was taking care of him).

 ~~Ines~~ Mama Ines was the only person he felt some level of comfortableness. Being with her was comfortable enough that he didn’t mind talking with her or sharing the occasional hug. But even though she was taking care of him and he was living in her house there was a degree of distance between them. And although she knew that he wasn’t feeling well and she had no problem with him staying inside the house, she would occasionally insist that he should interact with kids his age so long as it was somewhere safe.

Mikkel found it hard to do in 1986.

He went from being extroverted in 2019 to being introverted in 1986.

In 1986 it was always hard to interact with people because if people didn’t stare or sneer at him, then he had problems saying his name. Whether it was because someone asked him or because he was introducing himself, he had to do a doubletake. Sometimes he found himself saying _Mikkel Nielsen_ before remembering that he was no longer Mikkel Nielsen but _Michael Kahnwald_. That always made people look confuse and pretend to be polite. Because of this, he preferred the eerie comfort of the house.

The only other place he felt intrigued enough to go to was the infamous Winden forest. As scary as the forest could get at night, the forest gave him some hope. The forest made his heart race with the thought that one day he would once again feel the time travel energy and go back to his time. But he could only cling so much when there rarely was any time travel activity. And when there was, someone or something, would always stop him from coming close to the caves.

He needed to find the door. He needed something before he became obsessed and lost his mind.

Mikkel felt it was harder to feel normal in this new reality.

He missed his old life.

He missed his family.

He missed his home.

He missed _being_ himself.

He missed everything.

///

Mornings with Mama Ines were quiet and uneventful. It was a great contrast to what he was used to.

It was just him and Mama Ines. She made them breakfast and prepared his school lunch. When they weren’t running late, they ate together. They rarely spoke and when they did it was through soft voices and murmurs. He never argued with her the way he did with his parents. She always showed some affection towards him; sometimes it was a hug, sometimes she would push his hair out of his face, and at other times she would place her hands on his cheeks. Many times he didn’t know how to react. Would responding be a betrayal to his mother Katharina?

He didn’t know.

In comparison to mornings at the Kahnwald home, mornings at the Nielsen home were always chaotic. There was always noise in the background; it could be loud music, or it could be it an argument, or it could be the sound of footsteps from one place to another, or it could be all three at once. There were always things all over the place, and something was always happening.

The usual morning consisted of his mother trying to get everyone to have breakfast at the table together as a family before heading to school. That never happened; everyone always had a different goal. While she complained that everyone did as they pleased, Magnus would be searching for his things all over the house. He could never find what he was looking for and took it as his mission to smack Mikkel on the back of his head, as if Mikkel was the culprit and knew where his things were. And while that happened, Martha would be busy, keeping her distance. She could be found either reading a play or being a “rebel with a cause” or talking enthusiastically about Jonas. Among this commotion, Mikkel would try to get someone to see his new magic trick or he would go on a ramble about Houdini and his greatness. By the time Katharina decided it was time to go to school, Ulrich would come home from his morning jog, would eat quickly and get ready to go to work.

But for all the chaos, Mikkel realized that it was peaceful. His mind was quiet, and he was happy. Sure, sometimes Magnus would smack him on the back of his head, sometimes Martha would ignore him, sometimes his mother would argue with him, and sometimes his father would humor him. But that was just how his family was; tough but well-meaning, independent but together, chaotic but loving and happy.

But now, living with ~~Ines~~ Mama Ines, where the mornings were quiet and nothing happened and they ate together, Mikkel realized that the chaos came from within.

And that chaos cluttered his day.

///

The chaos followed him everywhere. It followed him to school, it followed him to the forest, it followed him to the house, it followed him to his bedroom. Heck, he could be sleeping, and he would still feel it.

He wondered how much of that chaos showed in his face, in his physical appearance. He felt like there was a storm inside and that took all his energy. It left him feeling weak, lightheaded, and zombie like in expression.

Could people see his anguish as much as he felt it?

Or was it another hidden trick?

Was he able to create an illusion for people?

///

Mikkel looked up at the sky.

He couldn’t help but wonder if God existed, if there was someone up there planning, controlling and managing people’s destinies.

He didn’t believe in God; he was more of a man of science. Mikkel believed in the Big Bang and in evolution. According to his father, religion and God were nothing more than the brainwashing the masses in order to control them. But now he wondered if perhaps his father had been wrong. It was not to say that Mikkel had suddenly accepted the idea and power of a god; he simply thought that maybe, whether there was a god out there or not, that just maybe, religion was needed to help create some sort of hope for those who felt lost and for those who wanted answers but couldn’t find any.

He wasn’t sure when he started to think like this. He wasn’t sure if it started when he spoke with the priest during his time at the hospital or if it was because of all the time he spent with Mama Ines. But if God was known for having a plan set for everyone, then Mikkel wanted to know what His plan was for him.

Did God even have a plan for Mikkel? Was He making up as He went? Did He make a mistake with Mikkel? Had God decided that Mikkel should be punished for not believing?

Mikkel wanted peace and he wanted answers.

He wasn’t sure if he was going to receive either one.

///

Mikkel ( _Michael; Michael Kahnwald._ He needed to remember to stop calling himself Mikkel) hated school.

School was never fun; no normal kid liked school. Before _it_ happened, school had not been fun but at least it had been bearable. Now, it felt like a nightmare.

He really didn’t talk to anyone in his class; they all stared at him, even after the initial novelty of having a new classmate. He found those stares unbearable. The stares gave him the sense that everyone _knew_ that he was an anomaly, that he was a mistake, that he did not belong. And he knew that. And rather than face that agony, he preferred to keep to himself. He found solace in being left alone; it hurt, but it was better than feeling strangers’ eyes and hearing whispers.

In order to avoid people and make time move faster, Mikkel ( _it’s Michael, it’s not that hard, it almost sounds the same_ ) would sometimes he take a Rubik's cube to school and solve it at least a dozen times before the day finished. Other times he simply stared at his watch and waited for a sign. Sometimes he stayed away from people in the courtyard; other times he snuck into the art room when no one was around. Some days, when he thought that he wouldn’t last the day, he would secretly bring the book Mama Ines had given him.

Those were the easier days. The tough days were when he didn’t show up at school because he physically could not find it in himself to make it through the hauntingly familiar yellow doors. These were the days when he had two choices. One was to go to the forest and lose track of time. The other was to go back to the Kahnwald home, go to his bedroom, and hope to fall asleep and wake up from this dream.

But he couldn’t avoid school forever.

The only thing he could say that he didn’t have an issue with during school time was the occasional glance he shared with Hannah, the girl he met at the hospital. For some reason, from his perspective, her eyes seemed nice, and they reminded him of something or of someone. Her gaze was the only one, besides Mama Ines’s, that did not feel judgmental. He thought that perhaps he felt less judged with her than with Mama Ines. Perhaps it was because of their conversation about magic and illusion, or maybe it was because she didn’t seem mean like ~~this younger version of his mother~~ , Katharina. In fact, in his eyes, she seemed quite kind and maybe even a little lonely.

He couldn’t get place it, but he felt what could be considered the beginning of a bond. This bond would eventually become a permanent part of his life until his very last day. Maybe it was because when he told her he was from the future she smiled at him and shook his hand like she had just made a friend. Maybe it was because she had called him Mikkel, the boy from the future. Maybe she believed him. Or so he hoped.

Whatever it was Hannah was the closest he had to a friend in his new reality. And that wasn’t saying much when their interactions consisted in one or two conversations and few stares and glances.

It didn’t matter; her presence was calming compared to what he felt whenever he saw his mother and father. Or who he thought were his parents. He had to think of them as Katharina and Ulrich; they weren’t anyone’s parents yet. Mikkel would not be able to handle it if he accidently called them “Mama” and “Papa” and they reacted negatively.

Would they mock him even more?

What would happen to him?

Would Ines start to think that there was something wrong with him? He knew she didn’t believe him when he said he was from the future, but he knew the truth. His life had not been a dream or a made-up story. 2019 had been his reality...

But what if, by any chance, it had been a dream and not a reality? What if he had not been from 2019 and Ulrich and Katharina were not his parents but people that could resemble a younger version of them?

No, he knew what he knew.

Or did he?

Mikkel closed his eyes and felt his hands shake, his heartbeat in his ears.

When was he waking up?

///

Once or twice, when he looked around in this reality and saw his father ( _he’s not your father, he’s just Ulrich Nielsen, a teenager_ ) and the missing flyers for his uncle, Mads Nielsen ( _not your uncle, just a missing kid, Ulrich Nielsen’s little brother_ ), Mikkel wondered if maybe something similar had happened to him.

Was it possible that Mads had traveled through time? Would he have gone to the future or the past? How far into the past would he have gone? Was he someone that everyone saw and knew but no one recognized? Or was he sent to the future? If so, which future? Had he gone through the same things as Mikkel or had he been kidnapped?

Mikkel ( _Michael, Michael, Michael, his name now was Michael Kahnwald, why was that hard?_ ) felt chills and decided not to think further about the issue. He already had enough trying to deal with his situation.

It didn’t mean that the thoughts wouldn’t stop coming…

///

Katharina was mean… really mean. She had this energy that let other people know that if she wanted to she could beat anyone up, especially if it was someone she did not like. And Mikkel, ( _it’s Michael, everyone here knows him as Michael, so why was it so hard for him to call himself that?_ ) often found that when he and Katharina did cross paths, which was not often, he seemed to be the object of her hatred. It made him wonder if maybe his mother had never loved him. It was a silly thought, but it crossed his mind nevertheless. Maybe that was why she had been slightly upset with him during the day of his parents’ 25th anniversary. He couldn’t help it if he got rubella; he didn’t want it any more than she did.

Maybe she had only pretended to love him all his life.

Mikkel knew that that wasn’t true; he knew that she had only been worried. She loved him. Even while the party happened, Katharina had gone to Mikkel’s room and taken care of him while he had a raging fever. She even stayed when he asked her to. She hugged him and he had been happy. He knew his mother loved him.

But his mother and this Katharina were two separate people. And so were his father and this Ulrich.

This Ulrich had two ways of directing his attention: either he bumped into ~~Mikkel~~ Michael and completely ignored him and forgot he existed, or he would mock ~~Mikkel~~ Michael for being weird and potentially doing enough drugs to have confused the Nielsen home for his.

He got disgust from his mother and neglect from his father.

They hated him. These younger versions of his parents didn’t accept him, love him, or wanted anything to do with him.

Had they always felt this way?

This train of thought would sneak up on him. He knew these thoughts weren’t true. They were stupid because deep down he knew his family loved him. They loved him even if his mother never understood his obsession with Houdini, or Hodini as she said, even if his father spent a lot of time at work, even if Magnus did think that he was annoying, and even if Martha constantly thought that he was adopted. He knew they loved him because his mother always made sure he was feeling okay, his father always kissed the back of his head in the mornings, his brother was never too cool to not look after him at school, and his sister made sure her friends never bullied him. They all cared for him. And he loved them.

He tried keeping the memory of their love with him when he needed something to ground him from his chaotic never changing thoughts. And some days that’s all he did. He could spend hours on this infinite train of thought; a never-ending loop. He wondered how many people missed him, how many people were looking for him, if that really had been the Jonas he knew, if his family suspected anything, if his family was torn up, if he was just sleeping, if he was going to go back, if he…

He sighed.

He needed to sleep.

And not wake up startled and cry at his reality. He needed ―

He closed his eyes, held his hands, and tried breathing calmly.

Sleep.

He needed sleep.

Things would be better once he woke up.

If he woke up.

And like that, Mikkel’s internal cycle began anew.

///

Eventually Mikkel ( _Michael, it’s Michael Kahnwald now, I’m not Mikkel Nielsen anymore_ ) slowly started to forget about his other life, or maybe he chose to cut some parts of it in order to keep living.

It started with small details; the big ones like his family, his home, Jonas’s betrayal, his life at school, were still vibrant. But the small simple things like knowing whether he had done his bed before leaving the house or what he had last seen on tv, were slowly becoming a blur.

As confusing as it was, he accepted his reality; he just had to. He had to face that he was stuck living in Winden in the 1980s. He needed to come to terms with the fact that one day he might see his brother and sister as babies. Maybe he might even see Jonas as a baby. Or he might even see himself as baby.

It was a tough thing to grasp… It was one thing to see baby pictures of yourself and another to physically _see_ yourself in that stage of your life. How could he be fine with the idea that one day there would be two Mikkel Nielsens in Winden and no one would know the difference?

What would he do if he saw his family as children? Would he try to stop them from ever befriending Jonas? And what would he do if he saw Jonas again? What if it was when Jonas was just a baby? Was he capable to stopping Jonas from doing what he would do? Would ~~Mikkel~~ Michael be capable of doing anything?

For some reason, even if in his mind it made absolutely no sense, he couldn’t bring himself to hate Jonas. He knew he should but couldn’t. And he didn’t understand why. He couldn’t understand the bond he felt when he was with Jonas.

Those kinds of thoughts shook him to his core and left him with more dark circles and bags that he thought it was possible. It was these kinds of thoughts, the ones always lurking in the back of his mind, that plagued him and kept him awake at night. And by the time he achieved any form of sleep he would have a nightmare and wake up startled all covered in sweat, out of breath, and trembling.

How could he live when his present was in the past, his future was his past, and his past was his future?

When did Mikkel belong to? When was the past, the present, and the future? When will he understand?

What was that thing that Mama Ines was always saying? What was that thing she kept telling him? Ah yes, that some things were best forgotten and that it was important to live in the _now_. He didn’t know if she told him that because she could sense his struggle or if she was merely sharing with him her personal mantra. It made him wondered if she had or had had any family. Had something happened to them? Had something happened to her? Maybe she was just as lonely and sad as he was. And as weird as it still felt to call someone else his mother, and as confusing as his situation was, he was glad that she decided to take care of him and make him her family. Who knows what would have happened to him? Ines was nice to him and seemed to want the best for him.

///

After the incident with his father ( _the escaped child murder, his father was not that old ― did he even have a father?_ ), Mama Ines thought that it was best if Michael ( _your real name is Mikkel; don’t ever forget that_ ) would sometimes come to the hospital with her. She insisted that she wanted to spend time with him.

He wasn’t dumb; he knew she was scared that he would wander off and that something bad would happen to him as evidenced by his previously broken leg, the skipping school, and the escape with the old man. And as suffocating as the hospital was, Michael ( ~~Mikkel~~ ) found himself fascinated by its bizarre paintings, which not only seemed familiar, but he was pretty sure they were the same ones as those found deep within the caves.

But when he wasn’t inside looking at the paintings, he could often be found sitting on the courtyard bench all by himself, staring at nothing in particular.

Sometimes, he would catch a glimpse of Hannah and her father in their van; other times he felt her gaze on him. Somedays they didn’t get to speak or see one another but when they did, more often than not, she was the one coming towards him ― bored he presumed, not that he minded. She never made him feel uncomfortable. She didn’t stare at him like others did nor did she seem malicious when she spoke to him. Mikkel found that comforting; he knew he could not avoid human communication for too long. He knew people needed to communicate with others or else they would get too lonely.

In their own way, more him than her, they were outsiders looking for a friend. He knew she had friends, as evidenced by her following Katharina around, but he also knew that a person could be with others and still feel alone. Maybe she was lonely too; something told him he could sense that loneliness in her, that he could sense her need to be heard and seen.

Hannah never spoke much but the few things that she did say always interested him and made him smile. She would tell him things that she imagined, things that she could do, things she believed in like the rain still being dangerous after the Chernobyl disaster, or things that made both think. And he thought he got the same reaction from her whenever he spoke about Houdini, whenever he mentioned something from his time such as a scientific discovery or a popular song, or whenever he performed a magic trick. Sometimes she smiled and laughed, and sometimes she seemed serious; he was never sure if she believed him or thought him insane.

He didn’t dare ask. But he knew that she enjoyed his company as much as he enjoyed hers.

And although she was a bit older than him, it never felt that way.

At least to him it wasn’t that way.

He didn’t think she saw him as a crazy loner.

And for some reason, he came to realize that the one thing about Hannah that caught his attention was that she felt like family. Not someone he would consider a sister or anything like that, but although he couldn’t explain it, he knew he felt that there was something about her that _linked_ her to him.

He wondered if she thought the same.

He also wondered if she would like some Toast Hawaii. Or maybe some hot cocoa.

He couldn’t bring himself to ask her.

///

In one of his many days visiting the hospital, he found himself staring at _the_ painting again.

Mama Ines had suggested he take art. She told him that there was nothing wrong with being a sensible boy or not good being with words. He didn’t contradict her, but he didn’t share with her why he was hesitant towards art. She told him that she would buy him the supplies and that he could take the house attic as his studio if he wished. And although she was convinced that he would be good at art and never spared a moment to remind him so, he had his doubts.

It wasn’t that he thought himself incapable of producing art. As a magician, Mikkel had an eye for detail and observation skills. The same applied to art. But would pursuing art be accepting Michael Kahnwald and abandoning Mikkel Nielsen? Mikkel had always liked art, but he knew his true passion was with magic.

Something in his heart told him that if he started painting, his affinity for magic would disappear. It wasn’t that he feared that he would lose it all (he knew he could perform his go-to tricks even in his sleep), but rather, he feared that the strange comfort and pain magic brought him would be eclipsed by the art and whatever this new outlet would bring. Dedicating time for art not only felt a betrayal to magic ―Mikkel’s first love― but it felt like a betrayal to Mikkel Nielsen and his past (or was it future now?).

Despite his doubts and inner conflicts, ~~Mikkel~~ Michael was interested in art and he knew it showed. Even Hannah had even caught him staring at the paintings at the hospital on more than one occasion.

There were days when he thought of continuing his studies on magic tricks. He thought about getting books on Houdini and performing a trick or two for Mama Ines and Hannah. But he couldn’t bring himself to do so; these hit too close to home for him and they always made his eyes teary.

At one point, his love for magic had given him something to be happy and enthusiastic. Mikkel had wanted to become a magician in the future. That had been his dream. But now, his dream gave him conflicted feelings. He never would have thought of associating magic tricks with pain and longing.

He knew he had to live in the now and accept his reality, but magic tricks allowed him to hold on to his past. He figured if he continued to do magic tricks, he might never let go of his dream. This dream was to create his greatest magic trick yet, despite its impossibility. He wanted nothing more than to simply wake up.

Mama Ines wasn't the only one who suggested he try art; Hannah did too. While Mama Ines’s reasoning was that he needed a healthy way to express himself, Hannah’s was just on observation.

She wasn’t insistent like Mama Ines; Hannah had only mentioned it once.

It happened one day when they were both at the hospital and she caught him staring at the same painting again. She suggested offhandedly that he dwell in art. Why spend so much time looking at the same painting when he could paint one of his own? With his interesting personality, she told him, she was sure he would create something beyond her imagination.

He didn’t say anything, as usual, and just stared at her and then back at the painting. She just shrugged and they stayed quiet. Somehow they had agreed to go out to the hospital’s backyard without uttering a word.

Silence wasn’t that bad with them. At least he didn’t think it was.

In their silence, ~~Mikkel~~ Michael thought about how magic tricks weren’t helping him anymore. Maybe art could be his new thing.

But what would he paint?

Could he paint her?

He wasn’t sure; he wasn’t sure if he could draw or paint realistically. He feared that she would be insulted if he did a horrible rendition of her. Abstract paintings seemed more down his alley.

Could his hands perform the same level craft as he did with his shell trick? What if it ended terribly? What would he do? How would he occupy his mind?

Mama Ines told him not to overthink it. Many times the artist does not a set goal; the artist simply feels and lets the heart take over the medium.

He knew he could do it; all his excuses seemed that ― excuses.

Was this what Jonas’s dad had thought? Mikkel remembered when Jonas had mentioned that although his dad was a painter, he had performed one or two tricks on him. At the time, Mikkel thought he was cool, but now, he thought―

Why was he still referring to himself as Mikkel?

He was Michael.

Michael Kahnwald.

Sitting in the Kahnwald garden ~~Mikkel~~ Michael covered his eyes with his hands. He took some deep breaths. He heard footsteps and felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. Before Ines could say anything Michael looked at her and said,

“I want to paint.”

She smiled.

///

Michael was not sure when things just got muddled.

He had long accepted that his reactions and thoughts had gotten slower throughout the years. There were things that seemed fuzzy to him. Maybe it was the lack of sleep; maybe it was the lack of certainty, or maybe it was the lack of control over his life. Whatever it was, Michael had long since given up on trying to fight these forces.

He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment when he accepted things as they were, even if there was a small voice in the back of his head that _begged_ silently at him to remember the truth. He had no idea what that was.

All he could remember was that, when he first came across Mama Ines and was at the hospital, he had felt a great deal of denial and fear. Something about a dream or a paradox ― he really couldn’t remember anymore. He remembers experiencing an intense feeling of betrayal and anger. He remembers berating himself about the accident with the old man who had escaped the hospital. He remembers spending days asking himself why he hadn’t fought back ― fought who? He couldn’t remember. He remembers feeling like he had missed his chance ― his chance for what?

He remembers the anger he had had at the world, at Winden, at himself, at God, at...

He was not going to go down a dark path. He needed to focus on the now.

///

Sometimes he had dreams. Dreams about people he knew weren’t around; dreams of people that felt and seemed familiar. Dreams of a blue bedroom with science motifs and a great poster with his face where Houdini’s should have been. Dreams of a brother and a sister and a mother and a father. Dreams of the mysterious Winden caves. Dreams of a boy ―a teenager ― with blond hair and a bright yellow raincoat.

But he could never see their faces. He knew he _knew_ them, but he couldn’t remember them.

That generated a great deal of confusion.

He could say that he had come to accept the confusion. He could try to convince others and himself that he was fine, that he didn’t feel dread from time to time or that he didn’t sometimes wake up startled and gasping.

He could try to bury the truth… but he knew that the truth always had a way of coming out.

Deep inside, he knew he wasn’t and had never been well.

///

Time passed and although there was always some darkness in his heart, Michael made some peace by retreating in the house while working on his paintings. He would sometimes he get anxious about going out, but he tried to rationalize with himself. He couldn’t avoid the outdoors forever. He had to do it for himself, for Hannah and for his mother.

Hannah…

Being with Hannah made things better; she made him feel a sense of belonging that he didn’t feel with others. He hoped she felt the same way.

They cared for each other. He always made sure to treat her with gentle care, and she always made sure to be there for him. This was expressed whenever they spoke, whenever they joked around, whenever they comforted each other, and whenever they stayed silent and did nothing but hold hands or hug. 

In his way, he really did love her. And he knew that she loved him too.

Being with her grounded Michael and gave him peace.

When Hannah told him that she was pregnant Michael didn’t know how to react. His internal reaction was a mixture of happiness, sadness and worry.

_He was finally having a family of his own. He had a family. He was going to be a father. He was going to watch his child grow up. He was going to form many memories. They were going to be happy together._

In their moment of shared happiness, he cried and felt like he had a new purpose. He laughed while tears ran down his cheeks. He gently placed his hands onto Hannah’s still flat stomach. Through his blurry vision he could make out her smile, he could feel her place her soft hands on top of his dry ones. They hugged each other as Michael’s tears fell on her hair. Hannah replied with small kisses on his chest.

But despite the happy moment, Michael felt a sadness he couldn’t explain. And along with that sadness came the worry. He was worried because he knew that he was not the most mentally and emotionally stable person around. He worried that he would fail as a parent. He worried that he might not be able to give his child all the love and happiness that he deserved and needed. He worried that one day his family might leave him. He worried that one day he would wake up and realize that his family was all but a dream.

He found it hard to voice those concerns, but Hannah just held him tighter as if she felt him drifting away.

He wanted to believe that everything would be okay.

Not long before their child was born, Hannah had asked if Michael had thought of any names for the baby. When he admitted he couldn’t think of any, Hannah said she had thought of just one.

When she suggested they name the baby Jonas, Michael’s expression changed slightly. Although he couldn’t pinpoint why the name gave him conflicted feelings joy and sadness, Michael didn’t object. Something told him that if it had been up to him he might have named their son Harry Houdini Kahnwald.

Jonas seemed like a good name. The name made Michael think of someone gentle, someone reliable, someone caring, someone likeable, someone who could brighten anyone’s day with his presence.

He couldn’t wait to meet him.

The first time he saw his son Jonas, Michael ( _Mikkel_ , said a voice in his head _, it’s Mikkel_ ) felt something he hadn’t felt before. He couldn’t explain it…

When his son’s tiny fingers wrapped around his finger, Michael couldn’t help but feel like he already _knew_ his son. He felt a strong bond and a sense of familiarity that made Michael feel as if he had known Jonas in another life.

When he looked at his son, and he saw his light hair, his blue eyes, his rosy cheeks, and his tiny hand, a gentle look came across his face. Michael thought baby Jonas looked like an angel; an angel who had been sent to been to protect Michael (Mikkel). Maybe meeting his son was the reason why he had managed to be survive all these years. Maybe it was God’s plan that Michael could endure his good and bad days because God knew he would one day meet his most important person.

On the day Michael meet Jonas, he made him a promise.

He promised that he would protect his son no matter what.

Even at the cost of his own life.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work on ao3. Still getting used to the format.  
> This is also my first Dark fanfic ever. I hope I wasn't too out of character since there is only so much that is shown to the audience. Since we don't know how many Mikkels, Michaels, Jonases, Hannahs, Ineses, Nielsen families, worlds or timelines we've seen in the show, I decided to just mix all everything and explore Mikkel/Michael's thoughts and feelings. 
> 
> I know many people think Hannah is crazy (her obsession with Ulrich being #1), but we've also seen that no character is 100% evil or 100% good. And upon a second viewing, we see that she cared for her family and she was the one to tell the Stranger that they should tell others about this time travel issue.  
> And since this is from Michael/Mikkel's perspective, he must have seen something that the other characters and the audience didn't. He must have felt something for Hannah for them to marry and have Jonas. 
> 
> Can't wait for Cycle 3.
> 
> Hope you like it :)


End file.
